Thursday, April 17, 2008

Me and the appliances brokedown.

Yep. That's what happened unfortunately.
The dryer won't dry, the dishwasher won't release the soap, and the garbage disposal stopped disposing. Add those things to some internal propensity to get angry and watch how quickly I fall.

I yelled at my daughters. I slammed my fist on the counter and received such an ugly bruise that will remind me of my sin for a week.

Not knowing what else to do, I left my daughters crying downstairs and went upstairs to sit in the dark. Shame. Guilt. Despair. My companions.

Grace walked upstairs and said "I forgive you" and gave me a picture of the sun shining on a girl standing by a house. I said "Thank you" and she said "Come down, Mommy". "Not yet" I said, I guess I want to wallow some more. She walked down by herself, crying. Daddy came home and I could hear them telling him all about my problems. Grace brought re-inforcements with her the next time she came up. She said, "It's okay, Mommy, you're forgiven. Just get the devil out and come play!"

I wish it were so easy. I felt the darkness closing in around me again, hopelessness...
You see, this is not the first time and other times have been worse. I would have never considered myself to be an angry person, but something happened to me after I had children. Somehow, a monster was released in me.

The self'-loathing I have fought with over the last few years, is debilitating. I have cried out to God so many times to take this from me, make me free. The worst part is that, for the last 6 months, I have felt more free than ever. The hope had returned, also a new trust in His power in me, "Christ in me, the hope of glory". I felt like I had almost reached the top of the pit I've been in, could see the light, feel the warmth, fresh air. But with my fingers on the edge, the devil rushed in to stomp on them. No, I don't blame my problems on the devil... somewhere, I let this in, but now that he knows my weakness, he is profiting from it.

It occurs to me that some of you who don't know this about me, may think less of me now. And to that I say, PLEASE, think less of me! I'm tired of the comments like, "I'll send my kids over to your house for you to train" or "I can't ever see you getting angry" or "How do you do it all so well?" It is my fault if you have thought that of me. I tried so hard for so long to keep up appearances, keep the facade, keep my pride. But pride goes before a fall. Yessiree, it sure does! If I have to tell the whole world about my problems to be humbled and receive grace and be free, I will.

The problem is, I can ask God and my daughters to forgive me, but I can not forgive myself. Just like this ugly bruise, I think of all the blotches woven into the memories in my children's minds. If I struggle to forgive myself and receive love from God, how can I properly show love and forgiveness to my children?
How many times do I have to fall before I can be raised up and victorious?

I'm sorry this is so heavy, this is where I am. Numb.
Maybe if you say a prayer for me after you read this, God will collect those prayers and pour them out upon me to cleanse me!

~christa jean


Brenna said...

Oh Christa. I wish I was not so familiar with that self-loathing. Alas, I am. And also with the knowing that I was climbing out and then, just when I think I'm almost there, I am kicked back down. But we do, indeed MUST, hope - in Christ. Our own hope is, well, hopeless, is it not? Hope in HIM is the only thing. That is the hope that carries any weight at all. In due time, He WILL rescue us from ourselves. Yes?

DotBlogger said...

Hi Christa, my friend, my crying friend. I love you. I don't think less of you. I think more of you for being honest, for being caring, for turning to Jesus, for asking for prayer.

We all hurt at times, we all have weakness and try to become strong, we all have sin.

I don't say this to minimize your struggle right now. Because I also know that while we all need God's help, sometimes one of us is hurting more and needs other to rally around to be lifted up.

I know you're friends...I'm one of them... we will rally around and lift you up in prayer, encourgement and love.

Put that picture that Gracie drew for you and put it in your Bible or on your night stand or on your fridge.

Praying for you.

Jenny said...


I have been there. I have been the yelling mom locking myself alone in my bedroom to cry in shame, guilt, anger and overwhelmness. I know the thoughts and feelings you think at night when it's just you. I know the wall that you hide behind only allowing God to peek over when you have exhausted your thoughts and decide that you will finally pray; only to not know what to say. I know. It was me just 2 1/2 short years ago. Because I was just like you, I invite you to call, come over or yell from your rooftop and I will be there. "Misery loves company" and I can sit in the dark with you; even if it's over the phone. It's scary to be in the blackness of your mind and to let someone in. I am not a replacement for the Savior. I am your Sister in Christ. And I know the freedom that comes. I know the washing of the mind. You don't have to do it alone. I love you very muchly. Jenny

Liz & Brian said...

Hi Christa-

Oh boy have I learned how faithful parenting has not to do with never sinning against your kids (we WILL!!!) BUT has EVERYTHING to do with how they see THE GOSPEL play out in response to OUR SIN...

These times can be the most poignant for them. The enemy would have us believe that we have marred their memories and scarred them for life. The enemy would want to keep you focused inward and crippled by your emotions.

The TRUTH is that, when our little children see the "stuff of the Bible" jump out of the pages and coming to life, they learn in a real way:

All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God (even Mommy!)
If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins... (this is essential Momma! Go to your little ones, get down on your knees, name your specific sins and ask their forgiveness time, and time...and time AGAIN!)

3. CLEANSING & FORGIVENESS. "He is faithful and righteous to firgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
(Ask them for forgiveness and let them hear you pray and ask God to forgive you and to give you victory in your areas of sin)

THIS IS WHAT RAISES UP GODLY SEED! Babies that get to see the good news of the gospel playing out in their kitchens! Momma sins, runs to the cross, finds forgiveness, repents and apologizes, and gradually gains victory.

Ironically, the greatest victories may happen when we are down and humbled painfully low while "His strength is being perfected in our weakness". This is when we are least likely to recognize the victory!

Take courage my friend! The victory is the Lord's. It was won on the cross. The monster of sin in you was always there. You have not fact, your little children are the very gifts sent to wake the sleeping sin beast! :) Ha!

Hate your counter-pounding sin, yes! But don't think for a moment that dark moment in the kitchen wasn't FULLY SEEN and WILLINGLY PAID for up on the cross. Even if we were willing, we wouldn't have the power to forgive ourselves. We only need to overcome our pride and accept HIS forgiveness, confess to our kids,and then... well....Gracie is right! GO PLAY!! hee hee!

Satan is like a scam artist who calls you on the phone posing as a debt collecter. You think...that's wierd because I thought my debts were all paid?...What's that? There's still an overdraft fee and you just need my credit card number to clear it all up? Oh no he doesn't. Hang up the phone Christa, it's a scam. No overdraft fees in THIS Kingdom, girl.

Sorry for the rambling! That self-loathing tactic is all too familiar to me and I'm passionate about the truth that can render it powerless! :)

Love and ((hugs))to you from your fellow monster friend over in rainy Seattle!


Kismet said...

Thank you for your honest transparency, Christa.

I admire the bravery it took to hit 'publish' on that post.

Praying for you.


Blessed Mama of 4 said...

I love ya girl - and I remember days like that...

Don't be too hard on yourself. I want to respond in too much detail, I think I'll post my thoughts on my blog - later tonight probably.

You are in my prayers. Today is almost past, tomorrow will be a better day!

Blessed Mama of 4 said...

I read a book with the kids and it made me think of you. I wanted to run over and give you the book ... I have no freedom. so i took pictures of it...


Tiffany said...

I also wrote a long post of my thoughts yesterday. But it is so inter-related to a blog post I am working on that I will post most of it there later rather than write somehting long here.

But I just keep thinking about how He makes all things new and brings beauty for ashes. He takes what Satan means fr evil and turns it into somehting for His Glory.

And He tells us to press on. So, even if we are in a pattern of messing up, we can start anew. Don't be a prisoner to your past --even if that means 5 minutes ago. It can so easily distract us from Kingdom Business.

"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,
Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God."Hebrews 12:1-2

We are all learning and growing. We all have our shortcomings in general, and certainly in parenting! None of us is "there".

I think more highly of people when they can admit it when they are not perfect, since I know no one is! Love you~

Sustainable Juice said...

I am reminded of what Lou Engles wife says to her children ( I think they have like ten), that "the first person to the cross wins." those are wise words and when I first heard them, they impacted me in a deep way. They still do. To think, when we: screw up, mess up, sin and make mistakes, our present goal is to run to the cross look at him, ask for forgiveness and win! the funny thing is that when we look at him we can't see ourselves. I think to myself "this is so simple" and so simple to teach our children. I think thats the way God wants it to be. Simple.

I meant to write this when I first read this blog, but didn't get around to it until now. Hope it encourages you.