Yep. That's what happened unfortunately.
The dryer won't dry, the dishwasher won't release the soap, and the garbage disposal stopped disposing. Add those things to some internal propensity to get angry and watch how quickly I fall.
I yelled at my daughters. I slammed my fist on the counter and received such an ugly bruise that will remind me of my sin for a week.
Not knowing what else to do, I left my daughters crying downstairs and went upstairs to sit in the dark. Shame. Guilt. Despair. My companions.
Grace walked upstairs and said "I forgive you" and gave me a picture of the sun shining on a girl standing by a house. I said "Thank you" and she said "Come down, Mommy". "Not yet" I said, I guess I want to wallow some more. She walked down by herself, crying. Daddy came home and I could hear them telling him all about my problems. Grace brought re-inforcements with her the next time she came up. She said, "It's okay, Mommy, you're forgiven. Just get the devil out and come play!"
I wish it were so easy. I felt the darkness closing in around me again, hopelessness...
You see, this is not the first time and other times have been worse. I would have never considered myself to be an angry person, but something happened to me after I had children. Somehow, a monster was released in me.
The self'-loathing I have fought with over the last few years, is debilitating. I have cried out to God so many times to take this from me, make me free. The worst part is that, for the last 6 months, I have felt more free than ever. The hope had returned, also a new trust in His power in me, "Christ in me, the hope of glory". I felt like I had almost reached the top of the pit I've been in, could see the light, feel the warmth, fresh air. But with my fingers on the edge, the devil rushed in to stomp on them. No, I don't blame my problems on the devil... somewhere, I let this in, but now that he knows my weakness, he is profiting from it.
It occurs to me that some of you who don't know this about me, may think less of me now. And to that I say, PLEASE, think less of me! I'm tired of the comments like, "I'll send my kids over to your house for you to train" or "I can't ever see you getting angry" or "How do you do it all so well?" It is my fault if you have thought that of me. I tried so hard for so long to keep up appearances, keep the facade, keep my pride. But pride goes before a fall. Yessiree, it sure does! If I have to tell the whole world about my problems to be humbled and receive grace and be free, I will.
The problem is, I can ask God and my daughters to forgive me, but I can not forgive myself. Just like this ugly bruise, I think of all the blotches woven into the memories in my children's minds. If I struggle to forgive myself and receive love from God, how can I properly show love and forgiveness to my children?
How many times do I have to fall before I can be raised up and victorious?
I'm sorry this is so heavy, this is where I am. Numb.
Maybe if you say a prayer for me after you read this, God will collect those prayers and pour them out upon me to cleanse me!