The Truth Really Does Set Us Free.

"I am a terrible Mother" flits through my mind, just as I am drifting off to sleep. Sigh.
Commence restless sleeping.

This was me last night.
I must say, it has been a looooooooong time since this has happened. Maybe even dating back to the last time I wrestled with accusing thoughts.

But, that wasn't the only thought in there. When I took the time to jot down my thoughts this morning, to expose them to The Light, I came up with a much longer list:

"I am an unloving Mother."

"I am a tyrant."

"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills."

"I feel like I'm repeatedly bashing my head against a wall in regards to teaching my kids how to be disciplined."

"I can't keep it all together."

"How can I possibly balance being a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, pastor, AND businesswoman?"

Now, normally, I would have just let that be it, and meditated on negativity, feasted on these lies.
But, not so today.

Instead, I decided to combat each of those statements with God's TRUTH.

This phrase has been resurfacing time and again in my head. I finally put it to paper...

Say it again. Say it out loud. Make it personal!
"For every LIE in my mind, there is a TRUTH in God's Word to counteract it."

So, this is what I did.
Underneath each of those lies, I wrote a truth from God's Word. It went something like this...

"I am an unloving Mother."
NO. "The love of God has been shed abroad in my heart." (Romans 5:5)

"I am a tyrant."
NO. "I am a Child of God." (1 John 3:2)

"I feel like I'm taking crazy pills."
NO. "God has given me a spirit of power, love, and a sound mind." (2 Timothy 1:7)

"I feel like I'm repeatedly bashing my head against a wall in regards to teaching my kids how to be disciplined."
NO. "My children shall be taught by the Lord and great shall be their peace." (Isaiah 54:13)

"I can't keep it all together."
NO. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (Philippians 4:13)

"There is no way I can possibly balance being a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, pastor, AND businesswoman."
NO. "He generously gives wisdom to those who ask of Him." (James 1:5)

These were the first verses to come to mind, but there are any number of verses that would fit in each slot.

I see two keys in learning to combat the lies:
The first key is: writing the truth, reciting the truth, meditating on the truth, and letting the "implanted Word save your soul." (James 1:21) Your soul, which houses your mind, your will, your emotions, yeah, it desperately needs the TRUTH.

The seond key is: finding a trusted sister to confess these thoughts to, and being vulnerable with her. "Confess your faults to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed." (James 5:16) We really do need each other.

Lord, forgive me for entertaining these lies about myself even for a nanosecond. Let truth prevail in my life in every area.

Are you ready to counteract some of the lies you've been listening to?
Tell me what they are in the comments, I would love to pray for you!

~ christa jean

This post, The Truth Really Does Set Us Free, first appeared on Transforme.

When Your Best Efforts Seem to Fail.

Sometimes I think I measure my life by my failures. The moments I have failed add up to hours add up to days add up to weeks add up to months add up to years add up to a lifetime of despair and hopelessness. Sounds like a morbid existence to me.

An existence that is certainly fading into the past. 

A few months back, I had the opportunity to deliver a meal to a family who had just had a new baby. I had all the ingredients in my cart for a delicious four course dinner. Stroll through the checkout line. Panic because I can't find my wallet. Quickly recall my beloved toddler taking it out of my purse and bringing it to me on the couch. Yes, there it sits. I can see it in my mind's eye. Embarrassed. Drive away without my groceries, go find said wallet and drive back to the store. With five kids.

That is a small mistake, but one that would affect me as a failure anyway. It would add to the case built against me that I am a floundering, disorganized, chaotic mother who struggles. Who struggles keeping the laundry from looming like an unsurmountable peak. Who stomps her foot like a two year old. Who hollers. Who can't seem to blog to save her life (I know, epic world problems, y'all) and when she does try to blog, she ends up wasting half a day. Who looks forward to bedtime and sometimes rushes through it. Who pushes the snooze button too many times. Who can't seem to plan meals for more than a week and then goes to the store and can't stick within the budget allotted to her. Who goes to buy ingredients for a blessing meal and ends up spending $100 for just one meal?

Whoever built this case against me anyway? And why was it given any legal ground?

There is one who is named Accuser, Deceiver, Hater. He preys upon our minds when given an entrance.

Why do I even listen to him?

Oh, I know! He speaks in half truths. So, the thoughts seem to be true projections of what I really already am and what I am stuck being.

There was a moment of revelation that I had a while back. (Cue Lightning Bolt!) I was turning in to bed for the night and the thoughts of my day were passing through my head. Nay, they were the thoughts of every. single. thing I had done wrong that day. I realized in that moment, that I listened to these same thoughts just about every night. It was like scrolling down a list, "Did that wrong, check. Was too harsh there, yup. Missed that opportunity, gosh. Totally flipped out over that minuscule thing, dang it!"

My old pattern would have been to flow from these thoughts into hatred toward myself.

The thoughts of "I hate what I do" would very quickly morph into, "I hate who I am."

When I begin to hate who I am - my very existence - I begin to hate the I AM, who created my very existence.

Now, I am not saying that I should totally ignore these thoughts that come to me in the night, some of them did need my attention, some of them were real sins. Some needed attentive repentance. And, friends? Repentance in humility breaks the back of the enemy. That case will no longer have any legal grounds to torment you. "Father, forgive me, I did not treasure the gifts you have given me today. I did not love the least of these. I was self-serving. I repent..."

What I am saying is I must shut up the voice of the Accuser in my mind. Holy Spirit conviction is one thing, it leads to repentance. Condemnation is another thing, and it only leads to spiritual death.

Remember beautiful Ann and her perpetual counting of daily gifts and how it makes you 25% happier? 

The next day I woke up and decided that I needed to rehearse what GOOD things I have done during the day.

Here are a few of my recent ones:

~ Crafts done with my girls, check!

~ Letting the girls decorate for fall and not trying to CONTROL EVERYTHING!

~ Read books to the neglected four year old.

~ Took the time at bedtime with the one who always wants more time

~ I posted some of the girl's jewelry in our little shop

~ I actually encouraged someone today!

Even better? Rehearsing the good things HE does!

~ He sets the lonely in families... {Psalm 68:6}

~ He will be with us always, even to the end of the age... {Matt 28:20}

~ His desire is for NONE to perish... {2 Peter 3:9}

~ He loves to give good gifts... {James 1:16-18}

~ He does not leave us helpless... {Hebrews 13:5}

That list? Barely scratches the surface.

Phew. Take a breath. Breathe in His grace and mercy.

Have you been listening to the Accuser too? It's time to stop.

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."

{Phil 4:8}

How do we overcome this venomous enemy? We listen to the truth. We wash our brains in the cleansing flow.

When you feel like a failure, fall into His arms. 

Take that list of wrongs done by you, repent for what you need to, forgive yourself, receive His forgiveness, command that evil voice to leave in Jesus name.

Christ-in-you-the-hope-of-glory? Yeah, He never lets go.

~ christa jean

You Lack No Good Thing.

The girl sounded small and frail. Her voice seemed sad.
"But, this list is full of good things, things I think God wants me to be." Her speech faltered.
The woman sitting next to her, patted her knee.
"I know, " she said, "but, it's time to stop measuring yourself against it."

That girl was me, one week ago.
That woman was a warrior of prayer, lovingly listening. Lovingly prompting.

I wondered, had she been reading my blog?
No, I didn't think so...

The List.

The List was full of things I thought a good mother should be and have; neat little lines written with ink, and a little box to check.

A Good Mother Should (in no particular order):
1. Have a clean and orderly home.
2. Have well-groomed children.
3. Have obedient children.
4. Be a business owner.
5. Be joyful.
6. Be gentle and kind.
7. Be compassionate.
8. Have a home filled with love.
9. Have a home filled with His Presence.
... and so forth and so on ...

She said I ought to tear it up.
I hesitated, "But..."
She saw right through The List, masquerading itself as "Good."
She saw that when I looked at it, all I saw was  L A C K.

I wondered, had she been reading my mind?
How did she know that I would lie awake at night and The List would haunt me and The List would taunt me. I never measured up to it.

No, she hadn't been reading my mind.
But, there is One who knows every thought before it is even thunk, and she was tuned in to His thoughts toward me.

I repented.
I repented for putting The List before His thoughts toward me.
I repented for using The List as a measuring rod and then beating myself with it.
Then I ripped The List into tiny pieces.

Ever since she said the word, "Lack" I have seen it.
In fact, I have seen it in every facet of my life.
My relationship with God lacks ______ (fill in the blank).
My marriage lacks ______.
My children lack ______.
My mothering lacks ______.
My house lacks _______.
My closet lacks ______ (surely not shoes, heh heh).

And so forth and so on.

I think it all comes back to the eyes.
I was there with Eve, took a bite of the fruit and it was riddled with worms, worms that gnaw and gnash and feast on flesh.

My spirit-eyes have been dis-eased. The way I see things has been tainted.
My flesh-eyes are diseased also, I have poor vision, astigmatism, and Giant Papillary Conjunctivitis.
The irony of this interests me.

Did you know the eyes can have parasites (warning: nasty parasite pictures)?
Parasites have got to be demon spawn. They feast on your vital organs and suck the life from you.
I'm pretty certain I don't have eye parasites in real life.

BUT, my spirit-eyes...
My parasite could be named LACK, and it's cohorts, POVERTY and SELF-PITY.
I have seen that I lack good things in my life.
I have seen that I am poor in love, not rich in Him.
I have felt sorry for myself and wallowed in the muck.

Time for a cleanse.

“Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more.

If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough” 

{Oprah Winfrey}

I am not an Oprah follower, but she nailed it.
David said it even better:

"I will bless the Lord at. all. times.
His praise shall continually be in my mouth."

{Psalm 34:1}

 

Praise and giving thanks are a cure for all sorts of ailments and dis-eases.

My prescription?

Morning: Praise Him. Give Thanks to Him.

Noon: Praise Him. Give Thanks to Him.

Evening: Praise Him. Give Thanks to Him.

 

He inhabits the praises of His people. That means, He is right there, dwelling in the midst of that moment when I whisper thanks or lift up my voice to sing.

 

 {The Word: sharper than any two-edged sword}

 

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him!
Oh, fear the Lord, you His saints!
There is no want to those who fear Him.
The young lions lack and suffer hunger;
But those who seek the Lord shall not lack any good thing."

{Psalm 34:8-10}

 

 

{free printable here!}

 

"The eyes of your understanding being enlightened... "

{Ephesians 1:18}

 

~ christa jean ~

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... A Mess {Day 28}

"Didn't you brush your hair today?" come the sneering words.
"Your hair is all stringy and hanging in your face, it doesn't look good." I am hissing in her face.
I am not proud of this moment.

I see something in myself.

I could use the excuse that my children need to learn better hygiene, or I could just own up to the truth. The truth that I think their appearances/ behaviour reflects back to me. The truth that I am embarrassed.

If you heard these words every day...
Don't be so messy.
Don't be such a troublemaker.
Don't be so noisy.
Don't be so selfish.
Don't be so ungrateful.
Don't be such a whiner.
What would you think about yourself?

Ask me to tell you good things about my children and I will name a few.
Ask me to tell you my children's weaknesses, and they flow freely from my tongue.

I am not proud of this.

I hear these words in my own head, constant reminders of my own weaknesses.
I need a brain washing. A renewing of my mind.
A mind renewed is powerful.

I see darkness. I am blind to the light in my children.
I need healing of these blind eyes.
Eyes that see fully are clear. Cleared.

"The light of the body is the eye: if therefore your eye be single [whole, healthy]. your whole body shall be full of light. But if your eye be evil [diseased], your whole body shall be full of darkness.

If therefore the light that is in you be darkness, how great is that darkness!"

{Matthew 6:22-23}

I am so thankfull for the Holy Spirit.
He comes to me in a gentle way and says, "Hey, you know when you spoke those harmful words to your daughter? Well, those words bruised her heart ... go make it right/"

What if I just started marking down the good? Wouldn't that change what I see?

"There be many [darn accusers] that say, 'Who will show us any good?'

Lord, lift up the light of your countenance upon us. You have put gladness in my heart,

more than in the time when their grain and wine increased."

{Psalm 4:6-7}

 

 A harvest of thankfullness is what I want to bring forth.

 

No matter if my hair is a mess.

 

~ christa jean ~
~~~

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... Endued {Day 24}

"Momma SAID!" comes the urgent tone from one daughter to another.

Have you heard this before?
The name "Momma" or, "Daddy" for that matter, carries some weight.

If Momma said, well, you'd better do it!

Or what about this one? "If you don't stop, I'm gonna tell Momma."

There is power in the name Momma.

This reminds me of another name that is powerful.
I have full access to this Name above ALL names.

I can say at any time to my enemy, "If you don't stop, I'm gonna tell Jesus!"
And, that hater? He listens and obeys. That's more than I can say for my children sometimes, hahaha.

Now, there are times when the enemy does not listen; maybe he has a "right" to stand his ground, but that would be for another post...

He promised us that we would be endued with power from on high (Luke 24:49). This power from on high was specifically the Holy Spirit.

Endued: to give qualities or abilities to, to endow, to gift, to invest, to empower, to cover, to clothe.

If you think of all the power available to us, through His Spirit, in His name, by His blood, we should have no use of fear.

I am so thankful that I am under His authority... "and His kingdom shall know no end..."

"For this reason also, God highly exalted Him, and bestowed on Him

the name which is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus EVERY KNEE WILL BOW,

of those who are in heaven and on earth and under the earth... "

{Philippians 2:9-10}

 

Perfectionism, you will bow.

Fear, you will bow.

Anger, you will bow.

"Blessed be the Lord, who has not given us as prey to their teeth.

Our soul is escaped as a bird out of the fowlers: the snare is broken and we are escaped.

Our help is in the name of the Lord, who made heaven and earth."

{Psalm 124:6-8}

 

"The name of the Lord is a strong fortress; the godly run to Him and are safe."

 

 

Oh, and just so ya know...

{Hahaha! Just had to share. Made by Momma}

 

Jesus, He's cool like that.

 

~ christa jean ~
~~~

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... A Warrior {Day 17}

To Arms!

 

"If you don’t fight for joy, it’s your children who lose.

What do I want my children to remember — my joy in clean floors, made beds and ironed shirts — or my joy of the Lord?

You will be most remembered — by what brought you most joy."

 

These are some of the excruciating words I read today. Every time I read the lovely author, Ann Voskamp, I cry. Seriously. I cry every time. It is as if she was writing about my life. Only her words ebb and flow and carry you along the current, deep calling to deep. Such beautiful words, sent to me for such a time as this. She reminds me, no implores me to fight on!

 

For quite a while now, I have had this urging thought in my mind that I need to begin the day, totally surrendered to Him. I am in a war for my soul and the souls of my children.

I will fight this war, on my face. He has already won. I'm just agreeing with it and walking forth victorious.

 

Now, get thyself over to read the rest of "Why the Battle for Joy is Really Worth it {Crazy Joy 17}"

 

~ christa jean ~
~~~

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!

 

 



31 Days: Learning to Just BE... In Him {Day 4}

For ten years now, I have held an image in my head of the kind of mother I'd like to BE.
I have failed that image so many times.

Even right now, I feel the weight of those failures. Shame.
But, I can pick out whose voice I am listening to in this moment. The Accuser sometimes sounds like a broken record, saying the same things to me, hoping that I'd believe it again.

Yes, I've tried to be SuperMom and ended up SuperMad. Hahaha.

{These vitamins are actually Super helpful, if only I could gag down the huge pills!}

The kind of mother I really, really, REALLY want to be? Is Joy-full.
Full to overflowing.

Abiding may just be one of the keys to unlock that door labeled "Joy Unspeakable Forevermore."

To Abide:
~ To remain in a place.

~ To continue to be sure or firm; endure.

~ To dwell or sojourn.
~ To remain faithful (to)
~ To abide by your promise

~ To remain or continue

~ To await in expectation

The more I saturate (can you tell I like that word? I like it because I can "see" it, dripping with goodness) in Him, the more I become like Him.

When it feels, that in me, there is no good thing? Then, in Him, I can find all that I need.

I leave you with a free printable from"Confessions of a Homeschooler" that I absolutely love. Of course, you can't actually READ it here on my blog, but you can go HERE to download it for your printing pleasure. Go now!

~ christa jean ~

~~~

 

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

 

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!



She Reads Truth

I had been seeing the hashtag #SheReadsTruth floating around on Instagram and I got curious.

I, of course, googled it and found the site that explains how it all began.







So, yesterday I decided to join in. I was five days behind, but no biggie. I decided to just catch myself up to Day 5 so that I could be on track with all the others.

When I got to Day 5, I just about dropped my phone.
My eyes teared up, my mouth opened and "oh.my.Lord" escaped my lips.

You see, all weekend, I had been feeling (and kinda ignoring) conviction from the Holy Spirit about how I spend my time. At times, I tend to look for diversions from the daily routine of momma at home. Possibly because I've lost a little of my vision (that could be a seperate post!).

Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, blogs, social networking, texting, emailing, are always available to me, courtesy of my mobile device. None evil in their own right, but when combined together for hours on end while my children are fighting in the next room, well, you've heard the saying, "Boredom is the devil's playground."

Okay, back to the Holy Spirit. The phrase "pray without ceasing" had been floating about in me little head, with the strong sense that I needed to be "on guard". Definitely not in a fearful way, expecting something bad to happen, but in an attitude of prayer kinda way. "Watch, for your adversary prowls... " and "Watch, for the time is short... " and "Watch, for the days are evil... " and "Watch with Me, for the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak" (all snatches of verses that come to mind, probably in my own translation).

Day 5 was on that very topic of prayer, hence the surprise. The surprise was followed by gratitude for My Father who knows that I love it when that happens! Confirmations and coincidences always teach me that His voice is being heard everywhere.

The interesting thing is that on Sunday, something happened that drove the message of "praying without ceasing [intermission]" straight home.

My husband headed out to the van to do what you do in a van, only, between him and his door was a dead blackbird. Okay, gross. The crows are beginning to circle above and so, he, the ever comical, tells those crows to take care of it for him.
He steps over dead bird and enters said vehicle, only to find that the van won't go in reverse, it feels like the two back wheels are locking up and this has never happened before. He finally gets the van into reverse and pulls out into the road, only to find that there was another dead blackbird at the back of where the van had been parked...

Weird coincidence? Maybe.
Evil scheme? Maybe.

I agree with the words of my husband, "I just want to be so much in His presence that those kinds of things don't even bother me."
Amen.
That, to me, is the essence, the sweet perfume locked within praying without ceasing... being nearer.

Let us pray just like breathing.

And get a daily dose of the truth.

The truth for me this week, comes from Psalm 34:4-7

"4 I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel[a] of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them."

I will stand upon it.

~ christa jean

A Piece of My Mind

The following post is a jumbled up look at what has been going on in my mind for the past few months. It is not always pretty.

It all began back in January, when I read this interview with a seller on Etsy named "Poor Pitiful Pearl". In the year 2011, her shop was the second most clicked upon. That is astounding when you realize that there are ten million users on Etsy. If you don't know what Etsy is, go check it out. It is big. It is a marketplace for artisans, designers, crafters, and the like.

After reading about her life as a stay at home, homeschooling mom and seeing her unabashed love for God reflected even in her business, I began to get excited. Really excited. What inspired me the most, was that she is doing what she loves, keeps her priorities of family first, and sees her business as a ministry. She gives ten percent of her profits to an orphanage in Mexico. Add to that a really funky and unique style and she's on my list of cool people to hopefully meet someday.

Go read her profile here. I cried. You probably won't, but I did. I blame it on having lots of babies, or something like that.

{one of her items that I would totally buy!}

 I told you that I got really excited. Well, I did.

I began to dream about selling my jewelry again and really becoming successful at it. I began to dream about including the girls and teaching them the life skills that come from owning your own business. I wrote up the rough draft of a business plan. I opened a new Etsy shop (that has nothing in it). I opened a Twitter account. I began cleaning up my blog posts and tagging them so that they are searchable (it's all about social networking, ya know!). I began getting out my jewels and playing with them again. I found a solution for a design/work space.


And then, about a week later, reality hit.
What was I thinking?!
I have five children. Poor Pitiful Pearl Wonder Girl (this is not meant to be a dig, she really IS cool and genuine) has two. She also has way more business experience. I am an amateur.
One of my five children is a baby who needs (loves, deserves) a lot of attention. All of them do, really. But baby can't just go entertain himself for thirty minutes like the others can.


Jump back to the first item on my business plan, which was to decide upon and begin implementing a daily schedule. And that brings me to the next reality bite.


My days are chaotic. I spin my wheels in this area because, well, probably fear of failure. You know I want it to be perfect THE FIRST TIME I do it. Whatever.
I guess I'm afraid that if I get my days all planned out that I'll be constantly tweaking it for the rest of the year.
So, because I feel out of control in this area, I do the one thing I CAN control.
Clean.
Yep. We clean a lot. It is rather dull to always be cleaning.


This brings to mind a third piece of reality that I believe IS changing this year, by the grace of God!
Perfectionism.
There is a drivenness behind perfectionism that, I have begun to believe, is based in, take a wild guess ... fear. I'm not sure what the fear is behind this, could be a fear of what others may think? Still chewing on that one.


Then there is the fourth smack of reality. Since we have no real sense of order to our days, schooling comes in spurts. Right now, I think I really suck as a home school teacher. My oldest basically schools herself because she is a voracious reader, but lacks in subjects such as math. My Oli is struggling to be a confident reader because her mother isn't taking the time to work with her on it. My wild child could care less to join the schooling craze, but she does know her letters, by golly. She must've learned 'em from Starfall The three year old is content to just go along with the flow, although, he REALLY wants to work with tools out in the garage which can't happen when daddy's not around. Plastic tools don't fool him! And me? Well, I sit around nursing a baby and making meals and cleaning up after our meals. Oh, and spend quality time on facebook and Pinterest. And try to be a thoughtful wife too.


The biggest reality of all that I have had to face, is my selfishness. Add to that, laziness.
I have been slapped in the face by the realization of it! I would rather sit around and be served by my children than be a servant to them. I see them as a bother rather than a joy. They interrupt my quiet and peaceful existence. Sounds rather selfish, don't it.


Well, I'm gonna shout "HALLELUJAH!" now that I've seen it clearly. Because now I can change. Be changed.
I have not loved my children without requirement. BUT...
I have been loved without requirement, and this changes everything, when I let it in.


Another thing that changes everything, is  g r a t i t u d e.
I see the word "attitude" (minus a 't') peeking at me. An attitude change comes when I choose to choose JOY. Honestly, that statement has always irked me in a deep-down-get-under-my-skin-kinda-way. Mainly because I could never get it. I didn't know how to choose it. Now, I see.


I see that I have been given a voice and that voice must not be kept silent.
When I sing songs infused with God and His Spirit, He dwells and abides with me, in me, all around me. Sometimes His presence is almost palpable. It is definitely catching. When my children hear me sing, whether out of joy or desperation, they join in. Then something in the air begins to clear.


My head clears too. Even in the writing of this, I see that I have not really taken the time to ask, seek, knock. I keep trying to do this alone. I keep yearning for wisdom, but not believing that I will be given it. So double-minded of me.


"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men liberally, and reproaches not; and it shall be given him.
But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavers is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
For let not that man think that he shall receive anything of the Lord.
A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways." {James 1:5-8}

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief!

I also see that I must become a vigilante against the doldrums. I usually spin into the dullness by not watching my thought life. There was a reason for the verse that states, "bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ" {2 Cor 10:5}


The battlefield is in the mind. As soon as I begin to accuse myself, like believing that I really suck as a homeschooling mom, which then leads to believing that I really suck as a mom, I agree with my Accuser. I would rather disagree with him, wouldn't you?


Maybe by the end of the year I will be able to pick up my business plan.
But for now, I exist here, learning, growing, stretching, being transformed, in this place called wife and mother. It is a good place.

~ christa jean

Much Afraid

"There is no fear in love;

but perfect love casts out fear:

because fear has torment.

He that fears is not made perfect in love."

{1 John 4:18}

FEAR. That nasty beast.

I referred to it in My Birth Story ~ 2011. I do not like it. Rather, I despise it with a deep loathing. It can be as blatant as a sense of terror in the night, or it can masquerade as a "what if?" thought. It can come as an overwhelming sense of stress, or hide behide the mask of perfectionism. It can be anxious thoughts that you can't see past, or a feeling of dread or foreboding. Whichever form it chooses, it seeks to dominate.

Thankfully, there is One who is greater than fear. He despises our enemies even more than we do. In gentleness, He comes and reveals the things hidden in darkness, so that we may be free from those dark tyrants. The Holy Spirit holds the key to unlock the doors that open into the recesses of our minds. Those are the places that need the truth. He guides us into all truth, if we are willing.

Just over one year ago, I began to notice a strange fear in my dear Oli. She would get up to leave in the middle of a movie if she knew, or thought there might be any blood. She had made comments in the past about not ever wanting to have children. How sad this was to me. I didn't understand why. One day I asked her what was the reason? She said, because of the blood in childbirth. I began to ponder what may be the cause of this irrational fear. It began to really concern me. I didn't even pray about it, really, but God knew I needed an answer. In an instant, a picture, a memory, came to the forefront of my mind. I was taken back to a time in her life when we were having tests done on her. She needed bloodwork done, but because of her young age, the pediatrician wanted her strapped into a "papoose board" to avoid her thrashing legs as he drew four vials of blood.

I can still see in my mind's eye, the absolute terror in her eyes as she screamed. She didn't understand what was going on. Maybe she wondered why I wasn't helping her. That trauma opened the door to fear, as traumas usually do. The fear from that trauma was manifesting itself in her life as a fear of blood.

I knew what I needed to do. I needed to pray for her and rebuke that spirit of fear off of her in the mighty name of Jesus. Also, praying healing over the trauma in her memory. I spoke scripture over her, "For God did not give you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind!" {2 Timothy 1:7} I helped her forgive the doctor for strapping her down. Even though she didn't really remember that, it had still affected her mind.

Do you believe prayer works?

Guess what happened? She began to get very interested in being a doctor. She bought her own first aid kit from the dollar store and carried it around with her at all times, adminstering bandages to any little scratch. She asked for a "doctor kit" for Christmas.

That fear of blood is totally gone now, thank You, Heavenly Father. She asks me all the time if we can adopt an orphan someday. I see now how the enemy of her soul wanted to pervert or even steal a gifting of hers. Maybe someday, she will be a doctor at an orphanage in a foreign country, giving of her life to those in need.

All because the truth was revealed.

~ christa jean

Never forgotten.

Today I remember my niece Lydia.

She went to be with Jesus one year ago and changed all of our lives.

Loss drives you to your knees. And often in that desperate state, your heart opens a little wider and you begin to see Him for who He truly is. He is not aloof. He does not love babies so much that He takes them from us. He weeps at our sadness. He sees that we live in a world full of darkness and death and so He sends us His light.

"The thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. I have come that they may have LIFE and have it more abundantly."

{John 10:10}

So we, like fragile seedlings, reach for the light. As we trust Him, fear Him, seek Him, love Him, our roots go down deep and become strong and we are able to withstand all.

~ You will never be forgotten ~

February 7th, 2010

The Opposition.

Have you ever noticed that as soon as you make up your mind to change something or implement a new, good habit, there seems to be an opposing force?

Take my last post...
I seem to have such passion and zeal for teaching my children to listen to the Lord's promptings in every day life, but when I actually try to sit down with them to "Pray & Listen" the first 10 minutes seem fraught with distraction. Someone's whining, someone's jumping around like a jumping bean, and someone's got a stinky 'tude (wait, that may have been me). I start scolding, then we have to pray harder. It would just be easier to not do it.

But, when we decide to push through the fog and distraction, knowing that there WILL be opposition, then we get beautiful glimpses of insights from the Lord.

My oldest wrote out what she was "seeing" from the Lord, here it is, exactly how she wrote it:
"I feel like our whole life is a big knot and we keep trying to unravel it and we keep trying and trying without the Lord and it only gets thighter and thighter and we finely ask for the Lord and He helps us and our life goes in a strate line."

My middle daughter saw a vision in her mind's eye of a big gate with lots of people trapped behind it and the Holy Spirit came and opened the gate and they were freed.

My youngest daughter usually has a difficult time paying attention to what we are doing when we are trying to listen with our hearts, but she does get dreams. She dreamt recently that there was a bad house with people in it that were being fed through a hole in a door. We were all in a good house that flew up to the sky with a parachute. The bad house called out to us and said, "I'm good now!" and then it had a family.

I love the thread that runs through all these pictures. To me the thread looks like freedom from bondage.

Back to the opposition. We have a very real opponent and unless we become aware of his schemes, tactics, strategies, we will be more easily defeated.

There are times when I really struggle to hear anything from the Lord. Here are a few things that seem to happen in me head:
1. To do lists floating in and out of thoughts.
2. Doubts that I can even hear, or clearly, at that.
3. I'm hearin' nuttin' honey.

The first on the list can be dealt with by "Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ;" {2 Cor. 10:5}

The second on the list can be dealt with similarily, but with one more step of recognizing who is the father of lies. When I use the Word against a lie, I come out from under it's influence. "The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. After he has gathered his own flock, he walks ahead of them, and they follow him because they know his voice. They won’t follow a stranger; they will run from him because they don’t know his voice.” {John 10:3-5}
I desire that last line to be true of me.

Now the third is a tricky one. When I am not hearing anything, I pause to evaluate. "Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." {Ps. 139:23-24}

The amazing thing is usually I know right away what is hindering me from hearing. The Holy Spirit is sweet like that. Whether it be unbelief or unforgiveness...

Unforgiveness. Ooooooh, that's a nasty beast. I have lots to tell you about that stinker, but let's wait til January, kay?!

Here is a superb article that I have read and re-read and highlighted and underlined and re-read again. It's not really about unforgiveness, but it is about purposing to pursue our enemies. I will leave you with my favourite quote from it:

"I will tell you a solemn truth: we either pursue our enemies or our enemies will pursue us."

{Francis Frangipane}

There is no neutral ground.

~christa jean