I Need Water (A Woman at the Well Story)

I come to this well every day. Every day I wait until noon when no one else will see me. I pull my veil close, this veil of shame that covers me, smothers me. I am an outcast. But, I need water, so I keep coming back, drop the bucket down into the depths. Some days, I think of dropping myself into the cool darkness, letting the water cover me.

But, today, something was different…

I saw a man sitting here by the well, and froze in my tracks, thought of turning back. It is obvious he is a Jew and that may mean trouble (for Jews do not think highly of us), but I need water. I pull my veil closer, steeling myself for the words that will surely come. I avert my eyes hoping just to be ignored. And, then he speaks.

“Give me a drink.”

What? Did I hear him right?

I dare not look at his face, but I make some retort about being a Samaritan AND a woman, and why is he asking me this? Is he here only to torment me like so many others?

My thoughts drift back over my life and the failure of it all. So much rejection at the hands of men. I don’t even care anymore. It is hard to feel anything anymore. It is hard to keep going on, trudging through the pain. Is anything worth living for? I am not worth much I know, and I give myself away as if I am free.

My thoughts are interrupted as I hear him talking to me again and now he is saying something about having some sort of Living Water that I know not of and that I will never thirst again and that it will well up within me, continually flowing into eternal life and if I had only known who he was, I would have asked it of him...

What is he saying?

I finally glance up and am held by his gaze. Those eyes. A kind voice. Who IS this man? And, I’m not even sure I understand, but something is happening inside of me and I cannot help this longing that almost consumes me, so I blurt out,

“Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty nor have to come to this well ever again!”

At this, he says,

“Go call your husband and come back here.”

My heart sinks. Ah, yes. Back to the reality of who I am.

Rejected. Worthless. Divorced.

The shame envelopes me again as I dejectedly answer,

“I have no husband.”

I hear him saying,

“Truly you have spoken, for you have had five husbands and the man you are living with now is not your husband.”

I glance up at him but I do not see judgment in his eyes. I don’t know why I feel this way, but I don’t want to disappoint him. I am still cautious and so I decide to test him a little,

“Well, Sir, I see that you are a prophet.”

I don’t stop there but ask a loaded question, hoping to change the subject from my relationship problems:

“Our forefathers worshipped on this mountain, but you [Jews] say that Jerusalem is where it is proper to worship.

As he answers, he speaks of a time coming, and is now come when genuine worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and in truth and that the Father is seeking those who will worship this way. I see that he is not waylaid by my impertinence, but that there seems to be a passion for what he speaks of.

I still don’t quite understand and I am becoming weary. I need to draw more water, so I say with resignation,

“I know that the Messiah is coming, He Who is called the Christ: and when He arrives, He will tell us everything we need to know and make it clear to us.”

And, then he says words that send shivers down my spine:

“I, Who now speak with you, am He.”

In that instant, I know. I know Who this man is!

So, I drop my pitcher and run.

I run from my old life and all of it's pain.

I tell all the people,

“Come meet the One who knows. He told me everything I ever did! Can this not be the Christ?”

And all the people are running.

And the tears of joy are running down my face as I finally know that I have found the One whom my soul was longing for.

I have finally encountered the One who would make me whole.

He had the water I needed all along.

~ christa jean

When Your Best Efforts Seem to Fail.

Sometimes I think I measure my life by my failures. The moments I have failed add up to hours add up to days add up to weeks add up to months add up to years add up to a lifetime of despair and hopelessness. Sounds like a morbid existence to me.

An existence that is certainly fading into the past. 

A few months back, I had the opportunity to deliver a meal to a family who had just had a new baby. I had all the ingredients in my cart for a delicious four course dinner. Stroll through the checkout line. Panic because I can't find my wallet. Quickly recall my beloved toddler taking it out of my purse and bringing it to me on the couch. Yes, there it sits. I can see it in my mind's eye. Embarrassed. Drive away without my groceries, go find said wallet and drive back to the store. With five kids.

That is a small mistake, but one that would affect me as a failure anyway. It would add to the case built against me that I am a floundering, disorganized, chaotic mother who struggles. Who struggles keeping the laundry from looming like an unsurmountable peak. Who stomps her foot like a two year old. Who hollers. Who can't seem to blog to save her life (I know, epic world problems, y'all) and when she does try to blog, she ends up wasting half a day. Who looks forward to bedtime and sometimes rushes through it. Who pushes the snooze button too many times. Who can't seem to plan meals for more than a week and then goes to the store and can't stick within the budget allotted to her. Who goes to buy ingredients for a blessing meal and ends up spending $100 for just one meal?

Whoever built this case against me anyway? And why was it given any legal ground?

There is one who is named Accuser, Deceiver, Hater. He preys upon our minds when given an entrance.

Why do I even listen to him?

Oh, I know! He speaks in half truths. So, the thoughts seem to be true projections of what I really already am and what I am stuck being.

There was a moment of revelation that I had a while back. (Cue Lightning Bolt!) I was turning in to bed for the night and the thoughts of my day were passing through my head. Nay, they were the thoughts of every. single. thing I had done wrong that day. I realized in that moment, that I listened to these same thoughts just about every night. It was like scrolling down a list, "Did that wrong, check. Was too harsh there, yup. Missed that opportunity, gosh. Totally flipped out over that minuscule thing, dang it!"

My old pattern would have been to flow from these thoughts into hatred toward myself.

The thoughts of "I hate what I do" would very quickly morph into, "I hate who I am."

When I begin to hate who I am - my very existence - I begin to hate the I AM, who created my very existence.

Now, I am not saying that I should totally ignore these thoughts that come to me in the night, some of them did need my attention, some of them were real sins. Some needed attentive repentance. And, friends? Repentance in humility breaks the back of the enemy. That case will no longer have any legal grounds to torment you. "Father, forgive me, I did not treasure the gifts you have given me today. I did not love the least of these. I was self-serving. I repent..."

What I am saying is I must shut up the voice of the Accuser in my mind. Holy Spirit conviction is one thing, it leads to repentance. Condemnation is another thing, and it only leads to spiritual death.

Remember beautiful Ann and her perpetual counting of daily gifts and how it makes you 25% happier? 

The next day I woke up and decided that I needed to rehearse what GOOD things I have done during the day.

Here are a few of my recent ones:

~ Crafts done with my girls, check!

~ Letting the girls decorate for fall and not trying to CONTROL EVERYTHING!

~ Read books to the neglected four year old.

~ Took the time at bedtime with the one who always wants more time

~ I posted some of the girl's jewelry in our little shop

~ I actually encouraged someone today!

Even better? Rehearsing the good things HE does!

~ He sets the lonely in families... {Psalm 68:6}

~ He will be with us always, even to the end of the age... {Matt 28:20}

~ His desire is for NONE to perish... {2 Peter 3:9}

~ He loves to give good gifts... {James 1:16-18}

~ He does not leave us helpless... {Hebrews 13:5}

That list? Barely scratches the surface.

Phew. Take a breath. Breathe in His grace and mercy.

Have you been listening to the Accuser too? It's time to stop.

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things."

{Phil 4:8}

How do we overcome this venomous enemy? We listen to the truth. We wash our brains in the cleansing flow.

When you feel like a failure, fall into His arms. 

Take that list of wrongs done by you, repent for what you need to, forgive yourself, receive His forgiveness, command that evil voice to leave in Jesus name.

Christ-in-you-the-hope-of-glory? Yeah, He never lets go.

~ christa jean

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... Wanted {Day 21}

My husband and I watched "October Baby" over the weekend. I cried.
Whenever I cry during a movie, hubby looks at me, and pats my hand or something. Usually, he is crying as well and I always wanna say, "Stop looking at me!"
Why does crying embarass me? Who knows.

The real star behind "October Baby" is Gianna Jessen (pictured below). She is such an inspiration. She is taking the broken pieces of her life and, like the breaking of bread, feeding others. If Gianna can forgive her birth mother (the one who tried to abort her), who, six years ago, told her she was an embarrassment, then I think we can forgive anyone, eh?

{Gianna Jessen}

"Your biggest fear is that you'll be forgotten," said Gianna... "God's been telling me, 'I'm going to define you,' and 'you are not forgotten' and 'you are loved.' "
Very appropriate words, after this post.

One of the most poignant moments of the movie, is not even in the movie. It comes at the very end, as credits scroll. The actress who played the birth mom in the movie shares how the movie is key in helping to heal her from the past.

Gianna's life IS beautiful.
I do not feel anger angainst her mother. I feel sadness. Her mother is missing out on relationship with one of the Beloved. Just as Stephen prayed while the stones were hurling toward him, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."

I am thankful that I am adopted in to His family. I am accepted in the Beloved.
He wanted me.

~ christa jean ~
~~~

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... JoyFULL {Day 15}

It was a rotten day.
Let me re-phrase that.
I was rotten all day.

I made my children cry a lot. I made them clean a lot. I was not nice.
I see this tendency toward clean-aholicism and I do not want it. I have given my children the impression that the most important thing to me is having a clean house.
I really do like having a clean house, and I would like to help my kiddos into good habits when they are young, but so far, I have gone to the wrong extreme.

{got some simple cleaning tips from this mom}

However, I can say that, I didn't stay rotten all day. By evening, I had confessed to 6 different people my sins and mistakes from the day. Three, being my daughters.

I see how God turns all things to work toward His good in us.
One of my daughters asked my forgiveness for a rude tone of voice (unprompted, I might add!) and I was thankful for repentance and restoration.

I may not have been an example of love and joy, but, I darn well was an example of repentance and brokenness.

What really matters is His presence being FULL in this house. That is what I want for my children, for them to be FILLED with Him.

On days like this, I cling to a promise given to me by a prophet three years ago...

"And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD;

and great shall be the peace of thy children."

{Isaiah 54:13}

 

Yes, and amen.

 

~ christa jean ~
~~~

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... Healed {Day 11}

 

 

We were late. Hurry! Hurry!

She stopped at the corner of the building, paused, and began backing up.

I recognized that look on her face. Fear.

I heard yelling. My pace quickened, my heartbeat with it.

 

I turned the corner to see a man yelling at a woman. Face red.

He yells some obscenities. Sees me, all the babes around me, hastily passed and said, "Sorry."

 

He had punched the fourteen year old boy inside, before we had arrived.

Thank God, we were late.

 

"Sorry." He had said, and I knew he meant it. "Sorry, I can't control this monster. Sorry, for who I am." I almost heard him say.

 

Police were called and I knew, he would become even more sorry.

I was sorry for him. In fact, after the initial "Mama Bear" instinct had settled down, all I felt was compassion for him.

 

I, too, have known anger. Or, anger has known me.

I, too, have felt helpless under it's power.

 

I recognized that look of fear on my daughter's face, because, I, too, have made others afraid.

Anger and fear always go hand in hand.

 

Sorry won't help, though. The "sorry" of regret, guilt, shame, and condemnation only brings death inside.

But, Godly sorrow? Now, that brings repentance, and repentance is a turning away from darkness to light.

 

"For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There's no regret for that kind of sorrow.

But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death."

{2 Corinthians 7:10}



There is a deadly progression of Bitterness, and Anger is in the line-up.
Unforgiveness leads to Resentment leads to Hatred leads to Retaliation leads to Anger leads to Rage leads to Violence leads to Murder.

Just watch one hour of news and you can see the evidence of this. Domestic violence, murder, suicide are the obvious ones, but what about the not-so-obvious...
Isn't avoidance of someone because of dislike a form of hatred? Isn't gossip a form of murder (by tongue)? These are the hard questions I ask myself.

"Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God."

{James 1:19-20}

 

What I want is healing for all the broken places. It is difficult to travel on this "highway of holiness" when you are crippled.

Then He reminds me of the young cripple, Mephibosheth, who was brought to dine at the King's table.

That is who I am, broken, but healed by Him. Crippled, but made whole in Him.

"... instantly the man’s feet and ankles became strong. He jumped to his feet and began to walk. Then he went with them into the temple courts, walking and jumping, and praising God."

{Acts 3:7-8}

Tonight, I pray for the man who said, "Sorry," and who may be in a cell... to be healed, in Jesus' mighty name. And, for the one that I assume to be his son, the one he punched... forgiveness.

~ christa jean ~
~~~

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... Forgiven, Part 2 {Day 6}

{amazing art by Akiane}

If I can believe that I am forgiven by the Creator of Galaxies, then why, oh why can't I seem to forgive myself?

‘Love your neighbor as yourself."

{Mark 12:31}

Kind of hard to do this, when I haven't loved myself.
Some would say, that, really, I DO love myself, and yes, on the outside, I do. I feed my body, I take care of my body, I munch on chocolate for happy feelings, I want to have friendly, loving people in my life. I want joy and fulfillment. Yes, I do love myself, in that way.

But, it is in the deep down, secret places, that I have hated what I have done. And that thought has been twisted into, "I hate who I am." I have believed the lie that "I am my sin." I can see this now and my heart swells with thankfulness.
Oh, thank you, Holy Spirit, my Helper, for leading me into the truth!

Self-hatred says to God (like Unbelief)... "I do not receive what You did for me. I agree with what my enemy says about me." Self-hatred and Pride and Stubborness and Rebellion are friends, I think. It is absolute stubborness and pride to not receive an act of love or service, a kind gesture. In this case, the ultimate sacrifice.

I hear these words from the still, small, and so sweet voice, "Christa, you are NOT your sin."
I hear, a tad bit louder now, "I AM greater than your sin."
I hear, louder still, "I conquered ALL sin."

{art by Greg Olsen}

For years, I kept a record of wrongs against myself. A record of things I have done to hurt others, mainly my children.

Dr. Art Matthias of Wellspring Ministries, says that any memory that holds, shame, anger, regret, or sorrow, also holds bitterness and needs to be healed. The bitterness could be toward self, the bitterness could be toward others, either way it needs to be uprooted!

"Looking diligently lest any man fall short of the grace of God;

 lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled... "

{Hebrews 12:15}

So, instead of ruminating on my wrongdoings in my mind, I decided to write them down. Yep, I wrote down as many memories as I could think of and filled pages. And pages. And pages.
Okay, probably only five pages, front and back.

I needed to get them out into the light of day and speak some Holy truth over those things. Get some healing going on up in here! Confession, does a heart good.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

{James 5:16}

I have been working down the list, a little at a time. I've been using Dr. Art's "Prayer of Release From Bitterness" not because they are "magic" words, but because sometimes it is nice to have a guide. I always add in my own flavor. The prayer goes like this,

"In the name of Jesus, I purpose and choose to forgive (the person) [I, of course, say "myself"] from my heart for (what they did). In the name of The Lord Jesus, I cancel all their debts and obligations to me.
Dear Lord, I ask You to forgive me for my bitterness toward (the person) in this situation.
In the name of Jesus, and by the power of His blood, I cancel Satan's authority over me in this memory because I have forgiven.
In the name of Jesus, I command that all the tormentors that have been assigned to me because of my unforgiveness, to leave me now. [Based on Matt. 18]
Holy Spirit, I invite you into my heart, to heal me of this pain. Please speak your words of truth to me about this situation."

When I take the time to actually do this, it is absolutely amazing, the peace that comes. The release from guilt and shame.

"Oh, what joy for those

whose disobedience is forgiven,

whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what joy for those

whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

When I refused to confess my sin,

my body wasted away,

and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally, I confessed all my sins to you

and stopped trying to hide my guilt.

I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.'

And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone."

{Psalm 32:1-5}

I am beginning to believe that He truly is making all things new. The years that the canker worm has eaten, will be restored.

~ christa jean ~

~~~

Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.

Wanna see the 1200 other bloggers doing 31 Days? Check this out!