Friday, September 5, 2008

Re-Birth

Click play on my player for the soundtrack to this post!

If I can get my mid-life crisis over now, that would be great!

I am 30 now and in looking over the last 30 years, I'm not sure I like what I see.

Didn't I specifically buy glasses with rose-colored lenses so that I could have a better outlook on life?! Well, they did look nice on me... even if they don't really work.

Everytime I look at myself, I see a person that I am disturbed by. And I keep trying to do things to change that person.

I do not like who I am as a wife. You'd think after almost 9 years of being that, I would have figured it out! But I see I have not. I still think of my needs first. I do not look for special and extra ways to love my husband. I do not yet know which way he feels loved best (although, that one seems obvious ;). I complain more than I want to. I do laugh at his jokes though. That's something!

I do not like who I am as a mother. Gosh, this one makes me cringe. I see my time with my children ticking away, so fleeting, like sand between my fingers. I have a picture of what I want to be and yet, that always seems just beyond my grasp. But I am taking baby steps toward it. I actually made a list of the things I've done that I've hung my head in shame over. I will talk each one over with my gracious husband and seek forgiveness and prayer, releasing the burden of shame, breaking the shackles of the past so that I may move forward into the future with hope.

I do not like who I am as a friend. Why is it that when I sit down with pen in hand, I can't shut the overflowing fountain up, yet when I sit down with a friend, the words dry up and it feels like I'm striving to make small talk? And why can't I be more funny? Why don't I love more deliberately?

I do not like who I am as a daughter/sister. I still try to keep up the facade that "all's well" and don't let myself be vulnerable with the ones who care the most. I don't pray for my family like I want to. I don't serve.

I suppose that sums up in a small way what I see when I look at me.

But, you wanna know what I've realized?
Lean in close... listen carefully, for it's revolutionary.

I can not fix myself.
Self? Did you hear me?!

Oh sure, I can make wise choices and foster good habits. This statement, for me, is not a cop-out. It is life-changing. It is releasing. It is freeing.

"... who has saved us with a holy calling,
NOT according to our works
But according to His own purpose and grace
which was given to us in Christ Jesus before time began."
~2Timothy 1:9~

When you finally get to the end of yourself and the striving to be better, you begin to find real life in Him.

These lyrics have always meant a lot to me and will forever remind me to just knock it off!

"Got a stack of books,
So I could learn how to live;
Many are left half-read,
Covered by the cobwebs on my shelf.
And I got a list of laws,
Growing longer everyday;
If I keep pluggin' away,
Maybe one day I'll perfect myself.
Oh, but all of my labor,
Seems to be in vain;
And all of my laws,
Just cause me more pain;
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame;
Ready and willing to be changed-

Own me
Take all that I am,
And heal me
With the blood of the Lamb.
Mold me
With Your gracious hand;
Break me till I'm only Yours-
Own me

Oh, you call me Daughter,
And you take my blame;
And you run to meet me,
When I cry out Your name,
So I fall before You,
In all of my shame.
Lord, I am willing to be changed

Own me..."
~ Ginny Owens~

I had a dream the week before my birthday. In this dream, a friend and I were praying for someone and really praying hard, even trying to cast out evil spirits from this person. We were getting nowhere. I asked the person to look at some images of Jesus that were hanging on the wall and then draw what she saw. She drew these mutilated and deformed pictures. Then when I looked back at the wall, that is what I saw as well. I woke up from that thinking "Wow, I really need to pray for that person!" But as I wrote the dream in my journal later, I felt that the dream was not sending me a message to pray for that person... it was sending me a message about how I see Jesus. As powerless.

I had another picture of myself with this sticky ball of black goo, this represented all of the junk I see inside. In my mind's picture, I see myself flinging it at Jesus. But the image of Jesus was fake and so it just bounced off of him and struck me in the face.

These things, and others, have caused me to think more seriously about my belief.

Is Jesus really my Saviour? Or am I?
Do I know the Jesus that is real? Or is He just a kind person?
Where is the Jesus that calmed the storm with a command?
Where is the Jesus who conquered death and said "It is Finished"?
Why is it not finished in me?
I say I believe, but Lord, help my unbelief!

I woke up from a dream on another night and heard a storm breaking over my house. These words came to mind: "I created the storm"

Whatever is going on inside of me right now feels like chaos. It is as if years of old thoughts, like cobwebs are being swept out of my mind. I am doing my best to yield to it. And it feels to me like maybe, just maybe, I'm finally seeing more clearly.
No more haze and darkness and confusion.

A re-birth.

Aren't you supposed to be wiser by the time you reach 30?! Maybe in another 30 years I'll be really wise!!!

Uh huh, yeah.

~ christa jean

2 comments:

Liz said...

Hi Christa,

Sorry I've been such a bad bloggety friend. I'm sitting here rocking out to "Girl from Impanema" btw. (I hadn't been blogging or reading much for awhile)

So is it your bday today?

The Everett Family said...

Yeah to growing older! Youth is over rated. I wouldn't go back to my twenties if you paid me.. ok maybe for a large sum of money.

"We continue to shape our personality all our life. If we knew ourselves perfectly, we should die." ~ Albert Camus

Cheers to you and your 30th! The best is yet to be!