Friday, January 16, 2009

I have been hesitant to let the words pass my lips.

I know that once I do, those words fashion history.

I'll type them...

My baby boy is one week old.

I didn't want to say them because I know how these things go. Soon I'll be saying, "He's one month old" and then before I can bat another eyelash, I'll have to say, "He's one year old."

Maybe I'm trying to slow down time by keeping the words inside. I will only get one year with him as a baby, after one year they grow up.

I can hardly remember my first-born's baby days. They passed in such a blur. Now all I can do is search my memory and shuffle through pictures to try and recall.

I do remember those days that I wanted to scream "DO-OVER!" because I knew I had created a sour memory. I wish to go back and erase those days. And yet, I know that they are woven into the pattern of my destiny and hers. I needed to have those days so that I could see my need. She needed those days so that she could hear me say, "Will you forgive me? I was wrong."

What I hate is that those wrongs still try to sneak up and wrap themselves around me like silk cords around an unsuspecting fly. Only, I'm not unsuspecting... I know what shame is and that it is not from God. Endless Grace is what comes from Him. All I can do is receive it. His grace covers all our wrongs. They are buried under an ocean of Mercy... so undeserved.


The more children I have, the more I realize that I am so utterly helpless to do this without Him. And that is a good realization.

~ christa jean

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6 comments:

ames said...

I know....my baby passed the two month mark. I want to cry. How can I keep her like this? Can't one of them just stay a baby? She is the sweetest creation - as yours is - and like you I've seen this pass too fast before. This time I'm really trying hard to treasure it, but I think it's going faster than ever before.
I love these little ones. :)
ames

Nette's Treasures said...

what true beauty and sweet essence. I can't even imagine that which captures a mommie's breath and hopes in such little blessings as children. I do, however, understand that unconditional deep passionate love that one can have for another as we open our hearts so vulnerably. I think it is that same deep love (actually a million times deeper) that makes God place in our lives those things that make us say.... "DO OVER.... I am sorry, I was wrong.... Thank you Lord for mercy and amazing grace. Lord, I need YOU!" What a fantastic journey you are on. Thank you for sharing it with us. :) I always find sweet delight in your visits and ... as we are only an hour from one another, pray that if it be God's will we meet. It would be a blessing to get to know another sister in Christ. :) Be Encouraged as He continues to illuminate in your life and writing. :)

Sustainable Juice said...

I love the last picture. It looks like like he's kissing you, even though he's really probably rooting. My favorite baby action, as you well know.

Kathi said...

Oh such a sweet post! He is adorable. You look so pretty holding him. Hugs, Kathi

SLMW8MAN said...

I am sneaking a peak at your blog. I found you through Candice (my cousin). Another friend of mine also just had a baby at home in a tub. She also loved the experience. You are very brave I think. God bless you and your family.

Evan & Elisa said...

So, I am coming out of my hiding. My, lurking in the shadows of the blog reading world to say.....
You are gorgeous!!! You look amazingly beautiful in this last picture. Such natural beauty and maternal love is just oozing from that picture!
Congratulations!
-Elisa