It was a rare moment. I was actually all by myself, walking cartless down the pickle aisle at Winco. I should have been living it up, skipping through the store, but all of a sudden, it happened. Time slowed down, my feet seemed to shuffle and the dreaded question suffocated me. What am I doing here? Not, what am I doing here in this store, but why am I here, stumbling around on this earth like a fly crawling on a piece of garbage?
Fortunately, I snapped out of it. That thing called HOPE welled up in me to replace the hopelessness.
I struggle with feeling like one of these days, I'll just wake up and really be alive in Christ, living a life full of joy. I suppose I have improved a bit in that I used to beat myself up for never seeming to reach victory. But, now and then I catch glimpses of that Hope again. That Hope is Jesus. NOT my efforts at being good, right, perfect or even victorious.
I had a vision of myself a while back. I was standing with the Armor of God on, only my sword was missing. There I was, with the Devil beating down on me, and I could only cower in defense. I felt like God was revealing to me that I have not employed His Word (the Sword of the Spirit), especially in regards to believing who He says I am. Thus, I can not fight back very effectively against that enemy.
He says of me that I am a new creation.
A few days ago, I was reminded again by one of my favorite authors how I should be believing.
"'As we have worn the likeness of the man made of dust, so we shall wear the likeness of the heavenly man' (1 Cor 15:49)
What a word of hope for us when we are discouraged with our own sinfulness! The old Adam is always there, rising in rebellion against the new life which Christ has given us. There is constant struggle, daily reminders that we are yet very unholy, very un-Christlike, very dusty. But a day will come when even I, with all my glaring faults, will wear the likeness of the heavenly Man. This gives me ammunition to fire at the Accuser. I shall be like Christ--just wait! You'll see!"
Someday, I will truly be transformed.