There are some lessons in life we wish not to be students of. They come unbidden and take us by surprise. We cannot wish them away, we can only try to respond to them in a humble way.
Remember that I've said, I like order, I like to stay in the same lane, I do not like change... This year will forever be marked as a year of loss and change. I didn't want my life to change, everything seemed to be good. I recall my favorite youth pastor saying these words: "Good is the enemy of Best." I don't know that I understood it then. In fact, I remember pondering it in terms of a mate for myself, thinking that I didn't wan't someone who seemed good for me, I wanted God's best. I got what I wanted! Now when I ponder that statement I see that I may have been trying to keep good as my god. I have been viewing change as my enemy, but now, I'm beginning to see a bigger plan. Flavia Gaines Leitch states this: "Nothing goes out of my life but to make room for something better."
It still is difficult for me to accept, when it seems that everything stable in my little life is being shaken. The good thing about shaking is that you find where the faulty foundations are.
Everything within me is screaming "RETREAT!"... I am overwhelmed, bombarded from within and without. It would be easier to just hide behind that well-used facade.
"Like a coin, hiding in the corner, trying not to be swept, I was trying not to be swept." (Caedmon's Call)
Shhh, be still my soul. Listen. I can hear a small whisper speaking softly, "surrender".
I see a choice ever before me, facing me daily. Will I choose life or death? Death like quicksand waits for me, to sink and be swallowed into the dark and depressing hole. It would be so easy to just let myself slip in. Been there, done that, hated it.
Then life, sweet Life, beckons me, bidding me to be wrapped into it's everlasting arms of strength.
O BLESSED life!
the heart at rest
When all without tumultuous seems;
That trusts a higher Will, and deems
That higher Will, not mine, the best.
~ WILLIAM TIDD MATSON ~
I think I will choose life. It requires trust, which is sometimes slippery to hold on to. And faith which seems to have, for the moment, disappeared.
"My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave. My faith is like shifting sand, so I stand on grace." (Caedmon's Call)
I have been cleaning house a lot lately and I am amazed at how much grime has been hiding in plain sight! I guess you just eventually stop seeing it after two and a half years, you become accustomed to it.
Too much grime have I let stay in the corners of my mind. Lies believed. I have stumbled across a big lie that had found a deep recess to hide in... this lie has been casting shadows on the truth. The lie? God is not ultimately good. He is not good to me. He just wants to teach me lessons all the time for my betterment.
Time to clean this old house too. Time to believe in His delight towards me.
"Be persuaded, timid soul
that He has loved you too much to cease loving you."
~ Archbishop Fenelon ~
If you did choose to push play on my playlist, you heard these lyrics from Sanctus Real. I've been hearing it time and again on the radio and think it describes plainly what I have been feeling.
"It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
(Chorus)Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone Time to begin again
Re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender... (Chorus)
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears... (Chorus)"
I can see it just beyond the next hill... joy.
"I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy." ~Jars of Clay
"I waited patiently for the LORD;
And He inclined to me,
And heard my cry.
He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,
Out of the miry clay,
And set my feet upon a rock,
And established my steps.
He has put a new song in my mouth—
Praise to our God;
Many will see it and fear,
And will put their trust in the LORD."
~ Psalm 40:1-3 ~