Tuesday, October 21, 2008


The music on my playlist is the beating of my heart. Play, if you so desire.

There are some lessons in life we wish not to be students of. They come unbidden and take us by surprise. We cannot wish them away, we can only try to respond to them in a humble way.

Remember that I've said, I like order, I like to stay in the same lane, I do not like change... This year will forever be marked as a year of loss and change. I didn't want my life to change, everything seemed to be good. I recall my favorite youth pastor saying these words: "Good is the enemy of Best." I don't know that I understood it then. In fact, I remember pondering it in terms of a mate for myself, thinking that I didn't wan't someone who seemed good for me, I wanted God's best. I got what I wanted! Now when I ponder that statement I see that I may have been trying to keep good as my god. I have been viewing change as my enemy, but now, I'm beginning to see a bigger plan. Flavia Gaines Leitch states this: "Nothing goes out of my life but to make room for something better."

It still is difficult for me to accept, when it seems that everything stable in my little life is being shaken. The good thing about shaking is that you find where the faulty foundations are.

Everything within me is screaming "RETREAT!"... I am overwhelmed, bombarded from within and without. It would be easier to just hide behind that well-used facade.

"Like a coin, hiding in the corner, trying not to be swept, I was trying not to be swept." (Caedmon's Call)

Shhh, be still my soul. Listen. I can hear a small whisper speaking softly, "surrender".

I see a choice ever before me, facing me daily. Will I choose life or death? Death like quicksand waits for me, to sink and be swallowed into the dark and depressing hole. It would be so easy to just let myself slip in. Been there, done that, hated it.

Then life, sweet Life, beckons me, bidding me to be wrapped into it's everlasting arms of strength.

the heart at rest
When all without tumultuous seems;
That trusts a higher Will, and deems
That higher Will, not mine, the best.

I think I will choose life. It requires trust, which is sometimes slippery to hold on to. And faith which seems to have, for the moment, disappeared.

"My faith is like shifting sand, changed by every wave. My faith is like shifting sand, so I stand on grace." (Caedmon's Call)

I have been cleaning house a lot lately and I am amazed at how much grime has been hiding in plain sight! I guess you just eventually stop seeing it after two and a half years, you become accustomed to it.

Too much grime have I let stay in the corners of my mind. Lies believed. I have stumbled across a big lie that had found a deep recess to hide in... this lie has been casting shadows on the truth. The lie? God is not ultimately good. He is not good to me. He just wants to teach me lessons all the time for my betterment.

Time to clean this old house too. Time to believe in His delight towards me.

"Be persuaded, timid soul

that He has loved you too much to cease loving you."

~ Archbishop Fenelon ~

If you did choose to push play on my playlist, you heard these lyrics from Sanctus Real. I've been hearing it time and again on the radio and think it describes plainly what I have been feeling.

"It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long

Time make right what has been wrong

It's time to find my way to where I belong

There's a wave that's crashing over me

All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)Whatever you're doing inside of me

It feels like chaos somehow there's peace

It's hard to surrender to what I can't see but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone Time to begin again

Re-evaluate who I really am

Am I doing everything to follow your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills

So show me what it is you want from me

I give everything I surrender... (Chorus)

Time to face up

Clean this old house

Time to breathe in and let everything out

That I've wanted to say for so many years

Time to to release all my held back tears... (Chorus)"

I can see it just beyond the next hill... joy.

"I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy." ~Jars of Clay

"I waited patiently for the LORD;

And He inclined to me,

And heard my cry.

He also brought me up out of a horrible pit,

Out of the miry clay,

And set my feet upon a rock,

And established my steps.

He has put a new song in my mouth—

Praise to our God;

Many will see it and fear,

And will put their trust in the LORD."

~ Psalm 40:1-3 ~

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Mica said...

I am enjoying your blog and hope you will continue to write. I know all too well what you are going through. We only learned that we would be packing up and moving for my hubby to attend Seminary full time. We had no plans of this whatsoever in July. Late August it came up, before we knew it we were moving. What? I was content in our place, the kids were fine.. da da da da. I wasn't looking for change at all. But these are the seasons of change for many of us which the Lord is in control of. He knows what is best for us all. You will be fine. Just pray, breathe, and rely solely on Him, you will be FINE !!! And yes there is hope for schooling and life to be put back into order. Children are resilliant to change a bit more than we are. I am amazed by how quickly mine have adapted to new life thus far. I will be praying for you with your Seasons of change. Talk to you again soon. Mica

Kathi said...

Hi Christa Jean, When the Lord shakes things up in our lives, he always keeps a firm grip on us. YOu have the right attitude. We can trust Him. Bless you as you continue in this journey. Let us know how things go. Hugs, Kathi

Oh, I'd love to see the pantry of a perfectionist hint hint