Sunday, December 21, 2008

My Worst Enemy.

We are simply having a wonderful Christmastime over here in our little house draped in snow. We've been munching on cookies and caramels and praying against cavities. We've been snuggling in front of fires and reading stories, watching movies and eating comfort food. We did finally buy chains so that we could venture out on the icy roads and finish checking off our gift list.

Everywhere I go, I am asked "When are you due?" And then "What is the sex? Is this your first?" Many have expressed surprise at my size. One sweet lady exclaimed "Mercy Buckets!" when I confessed that I wasn't due till January. To that I replied, "Yes, Lord, have mercy on me!"

But, unfortunately, just underneath my smiling answers and the sweetness of this season is a lurking enemy. My friends, I am in a battle right now and I'm not sure if I am winning. The little shivers of fear creep up and my mind begins down the dreaded trail... what if?

What if this baby is too big. What if there are complications? What if the pain is too much this time? What if my body doesn't do what it is meant to do? What if the baby is posterior and I have horrid back labor? What if I labor for days? What if I labor too quickly and my midwives can't make it in time? What if I am disappointed because I hope for one experience but get another? What if the baby is handicapped? What if I can't be a good mother to four children? What if I fail?
What if, what if, what if!

The only comfort I find are in the Words of Life.

"You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You."
~ Isaiah 26:3 ~

"Whenever I am afraid,
I will trust in You."
~ Psalm 56:3 ~

I must fill my mind with these words or go insane. It is hard trying to hold back the tide of fear, anxiety, worry... but try I must if I am to function at all. The darkness will not master me! Not because I chant these mantras or believe in myself. I have surrendered to the loving Master and I trust in His salvation. I am nothing good without Him. It is His grace that I cling to daily. He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. That is what I ask for, dear God, a sound mind. Pray this for me also.

I am especially overflowing with gratitude this Christmas... for that babe in the straw who came to save us all.

I love this sweet song by Leigh Nash.

"who is this child,
asleep in a manger?
the heaven's are bright
the stable's so cold
on this holy night,
have you come to redeem us?
little child in the straw
little child in the straw

who is this babe?
prince of the universe
a donkey is braying
angels are singing
the prophets did say
you would come to redeem the world
little child in the straw
save us all

and if we lose sight of your sweet face
at the birth of grace, at the birth of grace
light of truth shine like Bethlehem's star
lead us to where you are, show us who you are

merciful one
lover of every soul
the Father's own Son
yes, we believe,
you are able to heal us
Noel, noel,
save us all
save us tonight."

~ christa jean


Brenna said...

Dearest, you can and will love four children because God will enable you to. And how can we fail with Christ, Who is always for us? You needn't worry about the birth or anything, but should you do so, may God whisper His love into your ear, gently.

Tiffany said...

You are "normal" for any expectant mother, VERY normal for a mom who is carrying a subsequent pregnancy after a loss.

I am thankful for you that the time is drawing near. I understand how unsettling these last days are though and I pray for peace for you. I look forward for you to the relief you will feel when he is safely in your arms.

Youthful One said...

Looks like I'm going to beat your sister in quoting the following verse:

Isaiah 40:11 (King James Version)

He shall feed his flock like a shepherd: he shall gather the lambs with his arm, and carry them in his bosom, and shall gently lead those that are with young.

I will be praying for the settling of the many swirling and unsettling thoughts to be frozen and melt away as you rest your head in His bosom.

Your Deliverer will bring your deliverance soon.
In the meantime, you've got His number. He never tires of hearing your voice or coming to comfort.

Sustainable Juice said...

You did beat me Julie! I was thinking of that scripture while I was reading this. Thoughts of fear can be so familiar, especially during a time of change. In John 10:10
"The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I have come that they may have life and have it more abundantly"

I quoted this verse alot when I would catch fear running wild in my head during my pregnancy. I'd reminded myself of what satan was trying to do, and speak what Jesus would do over Lincoln.

DotBlogger said...

[Speaking to the Israelites about their enemies, Moses said:] "Do not be terrified by them, for the LORD your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God."
-- Deuteronomy 7:21

I know that these were tangable enemies, but that doesn't mean this verse doesn't apply to thoughts, emotions, fear...when they've become our enemies.

Hold firm. Gaze upward, dear lady. He will help you.

ames said...

If any of the feared 'what ifs' happen, well, what will happen is that you will survive. I am certainly not the one to tell you that nothing is going to happen like that, because I have yet to have a birth that went as expected, that didn't have a surprise circumstance. I did hope for one experience and get another, so what I've learned is that there is no way we can imagine the birth story as it will play out, so we might as well just be as prepared as we can for the 'normal' (that would be the birth as described in every pregnancy book in the labor & delivery chapter) and deal with each circumstance as it comes and see what story God brings to us. I can't give you an answer for why anything out of the ordinary happens, but I can say that since you've thought of all those fears, they probably WON'T be thing that happens - it'll be something you hadn't thought of. Anyway, bathing your mind and the day in prayer and those scriptures is the only way to peace. The goal is trust, and you have found that out. You rightly approach your delivery in faith Christa. :)

SuperDave said...

What if...everything is perfect.