Saturday, October 6, 2012

31 Days: Learning to Just BE... Forgiven, Part 2 {Day 6}

If I can believe that I am forgiven by the Creator of Galaxies, then why, oh why can't I seem to forgive myself?

‘Love your neighbor as yourself."
{Mark 12:31}

Kind of hard to do this, when I haven't loved myself.
Some would say, that, really, I DO love myself, and yes, on the outside, I do. I feed my body, I take care of my body, I munch on chocolate for happy feelings, I want to have friendly, loving people in my life. I want joy and fulfillment. Yes, I do love myself, in that way.

But, it is in the deep down, secret places, that I have hated what I have done. And that thought has been twisted into, "I hate who I am." I have believed the lie that "I am my sin." I can see this now and my heart swells with thankfulness.
Oh, thank you, Holy Spirit, my Helper, for leading me into the truth!

Self-hatred says to God (like Unbelief)... "I do not receive what You did for me. I agree with what my enemy says about me." Self-hatred and Pride and Stubborness and Rebellion are friends, I think. It is absolute stubborness and pride to not receive an act of love or service, a kind gesture. In this case, the ultimate sacrifice.

I hear these words from the still, small, and so sweet voice, "Christa, you are NOT your sin."
I hear, a tad bit louder now, "I AM greater than your sin."
I hear, louder still, "I conquered ALL sin."

{art by Greg Olsen}

For years, I kept a record of wrongs against myself. A record of things I have done to hurt others, mainly my children.

Dr. Art Matthias of Wellspring Ministries, says that any memory that holds, shame, anger, regret, or sorrow, also holds bitterness and needs to be healed. The bitterness could be toward self, the bitterness could be toward others, either way it needs to be uprooted!

"Looking diligently lest any man fall short of the grace of God;
 lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled... "
{Hebrews 12:15}

So, instead of ruminating on my wrongdoings in my mind, I decided to write them down. Yep, I wrote down as many memories as I could think of and filled pages. And pages. And pages.
Okay, probably only five pages, front and back.

I needed to get them out into the light of day and speak some Holy truth over those things. Get some healing going on up in here! Confession, does a heart good.

"Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."
{James 5:16}

I have been working down the list, a little at a time. I've been using Dr. Art's "Prayer of Release From Bitterness" not because they are "magic" words, but because sometimes it is nice to have a guide. I always add in my own flavor. The prayer goes like this,

"In the name of Jesus, I purpose and choose to forgive (the person) [I, of course, say "myself"] from my heart for (what they did). In the name of The Lord Jesus, I cancel all their debts and obligations to me.
Dear Lord, I ask You to forgive me for my bitterness toward (the person) in this situation.
In the name of Jesus, and by the power of His blood, I cancel Satan's authority over me in this memory because I have forgiven.
In the name of Jesus, I command that all the tormentors that have been assigned to me because of my unforgiveness, to leave me now. [Based on Matt. 18]
Holy Spirit, I invite you into my heart, to heal me of this pain. Please speak your words of truth to me about this situation."

When I take the time to actually do this, it is absolutely amazing, the peace that comes. The release from guilt and shame.

"Oh, what joy for those
whose disobedience is forgiven,
whose sin is put out of sight!
Yes, what joy for those
whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,
whose lives are lived in complete honesty!
When I refused to confess my sin,
my body wasted away,
and I groaned all day long.
Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.
My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.
Finally, I confessed all my sins to you
and stopped trying to hide my guilt.
I said to myself, 'I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.'
And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone."
{Psalm 32:1-5}

I am beginning to believe that He truly is making all things new. The years that the canker worm has eaten, will be restored.

~ christa jean ~
Wanna read from the beginning of my 31 Days? Go here to see the whole list.
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1 comment:

Theresa Bond said...

Lots to think about here. I am struggling with an orthodontist who wants to do rather serious surgery on my 12 year old--surgery insurance only covers if someone can't massicate their food, breathe properly or close their mouth--I don't want to do the surgery but the ortho is trying to convince me it's necessary and I am remembering the times when I felt I should stand up for my daughter but didn't...this was good advice. I need to heal those times so I can have the strength to stand up for her now.