On this day, ten years ago, I became a real, live mother. Thus commencing some of the most rewarding and most sorrowful days of my life. I think back to how arrogant I was as a young mother and I cringe. I was the advice-giver. I really did think I knew it all. Or most. Thankfully, I have fallen on my face in that area enough times that, now I am the advice-taker.
Here is my first baby, now a young lady!
There are so many moments I wish I could do-over with this one, but, as I discussed in this post, Jesus and I are working on those regrets.
Here I am as a 10 year old.
Can I just say, "HAHAHAHAHA!"
I think I still have those glasses!
As a child, you anticipate your birthday. I still remember what I got when I turned 10, a pair of acid wash jeans. I think I screamed, "Acid Wash Jeans!" even.
But as I grew older, say in the last six years, I grew to dislike my birthday. I barely tolerated it, in fact. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoyed presents, ahaha (thanks Mom!). I know there was a year in there that I loathed it even. I banned anyone from throwing me a party. It was a weird year, with much upheaval in my life.
The reasons? Mainly regret and self-hatred. Oh, and self-pity too, I suppose. My birthday would mark another year's passing in which I was still the same. I was still making the same mistakes. I was not who I expected myself to be.
Guess what?! This year I made a choice. I was going to be thankful for my life. AND! I was not going to complain or feel sorry about anything. Not one little thing. Not even in my head. You wanna know what?
I had a great birthday.
I started this little journal on my birthday and I will keep it going until next year's birthday. I call it my, "BE ThankFULL" book.
I graphed it out so that I would have enough squares to fill a year. Each day I choose one thing that I am thankful for and log it. At the end of the year, it will be fun to read through it all again. As you can see, the first square says, "My Life". I am starting to agree with God's love for me and not the enemy's hatred of me.
I am so glad that Plan A for my life is being replaced by "Plan BE."
~ christa
jean ~
~~~
~~~
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1 comment:
A birthday meant a time of refection and life loathing, that I was still stuck in the same cycle. Things hurt deep and we withdrawal deeper still. We go into survival mode for self preservation. Cause this thing of grace is what we show other people. It doesn't apply to ourselves. Long before I had heard of Ann or her book, God impressed upon me to be thankful for everything in my life that I saw as regret. And I told him that I would no longer regret the choices I have made, the seasons I have walked through, the pain that I have unnecessarily inflicted upon myself, the times that I have failed, the times that I was weak and broken and couldn't find the strength to stand. I chose to be thankful for the ugly and embarrassing things of my life. A few days later while riding the lawn mower, the Lord spoke to me saying, I can't use regrets. I can't do anything with them and I'm all about redeeming the time. I want to redeem the time but as long as you held on to them as regrets, I couldn't do anything with them. Now I can redeem them , bring something good out of them.
Each and every one of those thing I confessed and chose to be thankful for, God has and is showing me the beauty that was in the making. How each and everything was shaping me. The lessons that He could now teach me out of those seasons. There is always a flip side. We surrender and seek to look through his lens and find beauty. They are beauty marks and they are exquisite.
And that journal will keep you reminded. God gives beauty for ashes. But in His eyes you have never been anything but beautiful!
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